Look at that beautiful Christmas tree! I just love this time of year – the crisp fresh air, the smell of pine, the holiday decorations and all of the nice Christmas music being played on me. Last month, I was finally taken out of my package and mounted to the living room wall. My owner loves me and uses me almost every night. He told me secretly that he loves me even more than his own wife, but he made me swear to an oath of secrecy – I’ll never tell.

Oh, here is my owner now… What is he holding?!?! That crappy Rosie O’Donnell Christmas album? Oh, good mother of all that is Holy! Why me? Why again? The last time he placed that CD in me, he left for the day and kept it running continuously for almost 8 hours. I almost short circuited myself! At one point, I was able to spin the disc backwards and do you know what I heard? Rosie actually has a heterosexual crush on President Bush and Donald Trump. It’s true, I heard it with my own speakers! I’d take Barry Manilow over Rosie any day of the week. I’d even take the Mormon Tabernacle Choir – that is how desperate I am right now.

You can’t play Rosie music on me because I’m ultra-thin, sleek and sexy – and I’m ideal for a tabletop or mounted on your wall. The only reason I’m so heavy is because of my subwoofer, but that little problem is part of my New Year’s resolution.

My standout feature, at first glance, is my NXT flat panel speakers. I can fill up a whole room with these beauties. My main unit features a vertical CD drive unit with a motorized loading door, which supports CD-MP3/CD-R/RW playback. You can even plug in your iPod into me! Combine all of that with a subwoofer, a multi-function LCD display with backlight, an AM/FM stereo tuner with 20 preset-station memory, a digital clock with sleep and timer functions, an external FM antenna connector and a full-function remote control and you wouldn’t dare put that Rosie crap in me. Take me home today and save me from this horrible fate!